Friday, October 14, 2011

An Outing in Two Acts: Act I

I thought it would be important to explain exactly where I came from to get to this point.  The two most important times I came out where forced.  I never got the chance to choose my moment.  Frankly, I thought that one day, my parents would show up at my dorm unannounced and I'd be in bed with a guy.  Then we'd find out everything.  I guess though, things don't always go as planned.  They just kind of happen.  So, here we go.

After I had come out to my friend, I started to get more comfortable with who I was.  I guess it took the first time for it to become a reality.  Before it had always been something I had written, or something I whispered, but never anything I said out loud.  Slowly though, it was all becoming a reality.  Online I had developed my own life.  I had a couple of very close friends, with whom I passed much of my time online.  At that time, ICQ was my life line.  

The first was a young man from near by.  He lived in Dayton and said he was in high school.  He was a nice enough guy, but I always found him a little confusing.  He was very progressive, which I loved, but I was always a bit thrown off by him.  The pictures he sent were always a little too posed.  I talked with him all throughout high school, but we just lost track of each other when I graduated, and that was the end of him.

I spent a lot of time talking with another really nice guy, but he was in at Georgia Tech.  He and I never talked about anything very sexual but he was there for support a lot.  He was an absolute sweetheart of a guy.  I always thought about what a nice guy he would be.  For a long time, I wanted to emulate him.  He had gone through a lot in his life, but he always seemed so open to things.  I always hoped I would be able to be like him.  One day we stopped talking, and I never talked with him again after my junior year of high school.

There was one guy though, whom I fell absolutely in love with.  He was from Minnesota.  I randomly found him on an ICQ chat group, and sent him a message.  He struck me as a bit cold at first, but well, having a random guy message you with, "Are you really gay?" must be slightly off putting.  I got a chance to explain myself a bit more, and we talked, and it turned out we really enjoyed and appreciated each other.  He made me laugh, and vice versa.  We got to be pretty good friends, but he would often disappear for months at a time, and show up again with all sorts of new things to talk about.

I think what really sold me on him was how direct he was.  He was gay and refused to be anything other than himself for anyone.  I enjoy people who are that honest about themselves and their lives.  He told me all about his life in a small town, but he moved to Minneapolis for high school and college.  I was absolutely enamored with him.  His life was so exciting, and he did so much stuff.  It was so much unlike my own life.  I wanted to experience it, even if it were indirectly.

As I said, he would disappear for long spans of time.  In fact, we stopped talking around the end of my sophomore year, and I got an email from him every now and again, but he pretty much disappeared off the face of the earth after that.  I continued along wondering how he was for a while, but eventually I just let it go.  That was until the fall of my senior year, when he and I started talking again.

We picked up right where we left off and as time went by, we started taking the relationship further.  He and I would talk for hours, and I could finally tell him about how things had improved, and about how I was finally going to get some independence soon.  I was just so excited about everything and ready to get on with everything.  I finally was feeling comfortable with who I was, and as though I didn't have to live up to other people's standards.

One night we started talking, just about the usual stuff, nothing too impressive.  While we were talking he told me that he'd like to give me a call.  He said he had a cell phone and he'd really like to hear my voice.  I thought about half a second on it and said yes.  I signed off the computer, and ran to get things around for him to call.  

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